When Annie was about a year and a half old, I had a miscarriage. I had planned that I might get pregnant so that Annie would have a sibling 2 years younger than her. Just as with Annie, I got pregnant right away. To make a long story short, the pregnancy was never quite right and it ended about 7 weeks in.
Afterwards, my body started doing some pretty funky things in the womanly bizness department. Periods that had come right on time since puberty started showing up late. I bled at strange times. I wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible but my body was telling me to chill. Dude, you're coming up on 40, it said. So I started worrying.
I also started a pen-and-paper journal where I wrote things like: I am scared and pessimistic and hopeful and doubtful. And: If I am never to be a mom again I understand that I am already blessed in spades. And then cryptic infertility codes like: A positive OPK last night which means I o today or tomorrow which means if I get AF when abada abadoo blah blah blargh.
I started reading things and did things like take my temperature each morning and pee on certain sticks that would increase my chances of conceiving. I joined a group of women online who were trying to become pregnant but they were all so young and all got pregnant so quickly that I had to leave. I complained to my friend O constantly until she got pregnant and then I just felt jeaous and small that I couldn't be happier for her. I ignored Brian's admonishings that I was worrying over nothing and that it would take time and everything would be okay. As revenge, I had him get his whatnots counted and evaluated. Wait, no, the doctor recommended that. They were fine. actually, I believe supersonic was the medical term (HI BRIAN!).
My doctor prescribed clomid. It made me cranky and then pregnant. Mary came April of this year, just about a year after the baby I had initially hoped for was due.
Yes, it did take my minor run-in with infertility to really be able to empathize with couples who try years to have a baby. Though I adored Annie from the moment I laid eyes on her, it has been Mary who has shaken the last vestige of the non-mom me from my body and replaced it with a love and appreciation purer than I had known before.
Afterwards, my body started doing some pretty funky things in the womanly bizness department. Periods that had come right on time since puberty started showing up late. I bled at strange times. I wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible but my body was telling me to chill. Dude, you're coming up on 40, it said. So I started worrying.
I also started a pen-and-paper journal where I wrote things like: I am scared and pessimistic and hopeful and doubtful. And: If I am never to be a mom again I understand that I am already blessed in spades. And then cryptic infertility codes like: A positive OPK last night which means I o today or tomorrow which means if I get AF when abada abadoo blah blah blargh.
I started reading things and did things like take my temperature each morning and pee on certain sticks that would increase my chances of conceiving. I joined a group of women online who were trying to become pregnant but they were all so young and all got pregnant so quickly that I had to leave. I complained to my friend O constantly until she got pregnant and then I just felt jeaous and small that I couldn't be happier for her. I ignored Brian's admonishings that I was worrying over nothing and that it would take time and everything would be okay. As revenge, I had him get his whatnots counted and evaluated. Wait, no, the doctor recommended that. They were fine. actually, I believe supersonic was the medical term (HI BRIAN!).
My doctor prescribed clomid. It made me cranky and then pregnant. Mary came April of this year, just about a year after the baby I had initially hoped for was due.
Yes, it did take my minor run-in with infertility to really be able to empathize with couples who try years to have a baby. Though I adored Annie from the moment I laid eyes on her, it has been Mary who has shaken the last vestige of the non-mom me from my body and replaced it with a love and appreciation purer than I had known before.
